Yes. There is something gone, something missing. I'm not sure what it is, but it's something missing from my life.

Something I can't describe. Wishing it was back with me so I can carry on, if I would even be able to carry on.

This hunger in my stomach keeps roaring, but I'm not hungry for food. It's for something else. Something...

Usually around christmas I am happy. Not this year. It's getting to me, depression is not giving me a chance to wear the usual holiday happy cheerful face that makes everyone else happy to see my smile. I atleast have to make an effort when I go to see my gram.

I fear that this might be the last christmas she can see me happy and I want to make the best of it. It will deffinatly ruin me when she leaves...and once again, I'll cry these same damn tears that I have grown so sick of.

I don't cry to show how much I miss them, I cry because it hurts me terribly inside. Whenever I find out that someone is gone, or is going, this shock of numbness climbs my spine and sends icy waves all over my body. Then comes the shaking, and the crying.

I could end up really sick if I keep this up. Maybe that's what I want, it would keep my mind off things. Last year I was sick for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Life goes on...right? For some people it does.

Wishfull thinking might just get the best of us. Well if it does to someone it might as well be me.

One time I remember having my msn screen name as "Why don't dreams ever come true". Well I have finally figured out why. Because I never remember any of my dreams. Go figure, I don't remember any of them so therefor none of them will come true because I can't wish for any of them to come true. I need a personality check or a new life.

~Crystal~